A Secret Desire to Show Them the Door

| August 6, 2010 | Comments (1)

The house was too quiet.  You really missed the commotion.  The pile of laundry was half its normal size.  The grocery bills were no longer helping finance the national debt.   Sleep filled nights were the norm, not having to stay awake until the wee hours, waiting for them to return.  Then, before you knew it, they came home from college for the summer!

Now, it becomes a mystery as to why they sleep more during daytime hours than vampire Bill from “True Blood.” Perhaps a token peck on the cheek may be dolled out as they slip out for the evening, just as you are going to bed.   You may even get a quick hug, if they need you to spot them a twenty.

Clearly they are living under your roof during some wakeful hours because there is evidence of crusty dishes scattered across the kitchen counter, empty pop cans leaving rings on the table, clothes strewn like a crumb trail across their bedroom floor, and you’re relegated to using a key finder after discovering the car keys in the refrigerator with the Captain Crunch and the milk in the pantry.

Our minds plays tricks on us, but you don’t recall spilling coffee all over a favorite blouse and then rolling into a ball and tossing it under the TV stand.  Upon waking up in the morning, you’d swear you didn’t eat macaroni and cheese with a bowl of Captain Crunch, the night before.  You schedule a service appointment for the car because the gas gage must be broken since you keep filling it up but it continually registers empty.   A frantic call to Direct TV reveals that there are charges for “Saw 10”, “College Students Gone Wild”, and “Final Destination: Are We There yet?” that no one on the billing account has ordered.

All of your hard work and parenting skills are no longer visible.   Conversations are now limited to one-word answers and their vocabulary has become “colorful.”  Their eyesight is damaged because they can’t seem to find the garbage can or the hamper. Obviously electricity must be free because they neglect to turn off lights or televisions.   Selective hearing has become an acquired skill since doorbells or phones ringing are completely ignored.  Somehow their skin now requires all the hot water in the hot water tank to be clean and numerous towels to dry up the flooded bathroom.  Running to the store for you is asking way too much, unless of course, the snack food supply has vanished.

More confusion sets in.   Why is your husband suddenly leaving clothes on the floor, moldy dishes in his office, and turning on every TV in the house as he moves from room to room?

Is it possible that Hubby is reliving his college days vicariously through his children? You scan the checkbook to see if he has registered for a summer class.   All you can picture is a scene from “Old School.”   If you catch him streaking down Main Street, you know you are in trouble.

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Category: Chicago

About Laurie Fabrizio: Laurie is a humorist/writer, wife of twenty-seven years, and the mother of two daughters and three dogs. When she is not trying to keep her husband on the ground, you can find her on her personal blogs, “Married to Middle–Aged Maverick“ and “Ruff Housen”:The Real Housedogs of Minneapolis. View author profile.

Comments (1)

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  1. Cheryl says:

    Laurie, you’ve just described my home perfectly. Dyson couldn’t INVENT a vaccum to keep up with my kids. I can so see your hubby channeling “Old School” and Rodney’s “Back to School.” My husband right there along with him. Funny stuff, Laurie! You go, girl.

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