College: A Match to Be Made
It’s never too late to learn something new, and I’ve learned a lot in the last year about colleges, applications, financial aid, and all things related to institutions of higher learning. In fact, I’ve learned it twice (or at least learned twice as much as most people), because I have two very different twins who graduated high school in June and have spent the better part of two years figuring out what comes next.
One thing I’ve learned is that there is a lot of snobbery surrounding the whole college scene. As a graduate of a Big 10 university, where it is practically a requirement to minor in arrogance, you can color me guilty. I won’t name names, but you can see in this ancient photo that I tried to indoctrinate my twins right from the start. Neither one followed in my footsteps.
Early on in the process, we got a great piece of advice from my daughter’s high school counselor, who said: “College is a match to be made, not a prize to be won.” This really resonated with me, because as much as I loved my college experience, I spent little or no time trying to determine whether it was the right place for me. My parents said: “You can go to any public school in state.” I applied to just one.
My daughter knows herself better than any 18 year old I’ve ever met. She honed her search down to small, east coast liberal arts colleges that offered the two majors she was interested in. She focused on women’s colleges, but not exclusively, and ended up applying to 11 schools. Right until the moment we got to her dorm, I think she still harbored some disappointment that she did not get into her “top” choice.
I got to spend a couple of days on campus with her during orientation a few weeks ago. We were welcomed by faculty and students alike and my daughter bloomed before my eyes. “This is the right place for me,” she said, “I love the buildings and my roommate and the campus and my classes. It’s perfect.” That Sunday, I left (sobbing) knowing that she had found exactly the right match.
On the way home, a friend told me a heartbreaking story about a boy she knew years ago who had applied to five of the top universities in the country. He got into four of them, the only exception being Harvard. This young man killed himself over that one disappointment. I still ache when I think of him, even though I never met him and he died more than 15 years ago. The story is sadder still when you think of how arbitrary these choices are, when colleges receive hundreds and hundreds of applications for every available spot.
The other side of our story is my son, a bright young man who learns differently. He has faced and overcome more challenges in his short life than I can count, and still struggles with a short-term memory deficit and poor graphomotor skills. He’s taking two classes at Oakton Community College and going to a transition program through the high school three days a week.
On August 24, when his classes began at Oakton, he was beaming. I’ve never seen him so proud, or been prouder of him. Several people have asked him how he feels about his sister going away to school. He said: “It’s the right thing for her. She’s happy. I’m not ready for that yet.” I realized then that he knows himself very well, too.
The community college has been a revelation to me. Accommodations that we tried to get for my son throughout high school weren’t even questioned. He had a notetaker assigned to him on the first day. Technology, like his laptop and iPhone, are welcome tools for any student. I have learned that community colleges are in the business of making education accessible — geographically, logistically and financially. They accommodate adult learners, students returning after a long absence, learners with special needs, and students who work full time and raise families and who still want to go to school. They are a valuable resource that university snobs like me tend to ignore or dismiss.
According to the U.S. Department of Education, there are about 6,900 accredited postsecondary institutions and programs in the country. With the emergence of online and distance learning programs, the number of choices available to students continues to grow. Now that the new school year is in full swing, I feel very lucky that my children have made two such perfect matches. I know the choices they have made will help them achieve success in their college careers and beyond, which is the real prize.
For anyone just starting this process, please refer back to paragraph three, sentence one.
Like you, I went to a good in-state school because it was afforadable. The first time I saw the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign campus was the first day of orientation.
I think the college application process today is insane. One of our nieces spent three years trying to get into Yale. She followed all the advice she received and still didn’t get in. She spent two days in her bedroom crying. Today she’s “suffering” at her second choice school — Georgetown. You know what she wants to do when she graduates? Neither does she. Like most college students, she’s trying to find her place in the world. She made some great friends and contacts at Georgetown, but this won’t define her life. It is what she does in the future that will tell her story.
How did it get to this point? When did it become so crazy? If you look at the overachievers in the world, they didn’t go to an Ivy League school. They went to state schools and worked hard. I’d put the list of notable alumni from UIUC against any Ivy League school. Your school is not your future.
I keep telling my husband that it has to calm down before our girls get there. We have a lot of time as they are only in first grade. Still, I see this playing out over and over again as nieces and nephew and friends’ children go through the process. It makes me sad that a once fun adventure is now so high-stress that any student would consider suicide if he/she doesn’t get into a school.
Thanks for your comments Shari. I think as parents the best thing we can do is not to buy into “competitive parenting”. It’s easy to get sucked up into it and I think it sends the wrong message to our children. I also think we need to let our kids experience disappointment every once in a while. You have to learn how to handle the little disappointments in life before you can successfully navigate your way past the big ones.
This post came at a perfect time, as I have a son just beginning 11th grade…and so the process is heating up. I too wonder when it got so crazy, and constantly remind myself that it’s about where he will eventually feel right, not about the “right” school — whatever that is.
All around me, parents are already freaking out, spending thousands on SAT prep courses, private college counselors, essay coaches, etc. I refuse to buy in to the super competitive mindset and make my child’s last 2 years of H.S. about nothing else but the college quest. What happened to having a little fun, being a teenager and enjoying those times, thinking your whole life was ahead of you, because it was?
Susan, so glad your twins landed where they feel at home.
Lisa — good luck to you and your son on this part of the journey. I hope he finds a good match.
@Lisa — Here’s something that should make you feel a bit better about not being hyper-competitive. One niece spent her entire summer at the SAT prep course. She ended up 100 points higher than her first attempt. One nephew walked off the football practice field, took the ACT and scored a 32. Do you know what his counselor said? Take it again and try this time. She knew he could do better, but he never did take it again. Either you have it or you don’t. All the expensive college coaching in the world won’t help if you don’t have it to start with.
You’re absolutely right about that. (well, the counselor was right. and then YOU were right.
)
For my son (also a freshman, as you know), it was love at first sight when we visited his school for the first time. The rest of the college search, for him, was basically “double checking” that it was a good match by eliminating other colleges from his list when we visited them.
Thank goodness, he’s three weeks in and is blissfully happy, satisfied that it really was a true match!
A toast to a good match. My daughter is equally thrilled three weeks in, but suffering through her first illness away from home. Who knew Massachusetts germs were so vicious. So a toast to her and a quick recovery, too.
Thank you for recognizing and publishing the value of community colleges. Oakton is a special place and your son will be well prepared to transfer when he is ready. Most classses enroll about 20 students, and the faculty, most of whom hold a terminal degree in their field, chose Oakton because they love to teach. And just think — complete the first two years for under $5,000!
Thanks for your comments, Carlee. I agree that Oakton is a special place and, as I said, a valuable resource. All I can say one month in is so far, so good.
Great post on your blog. I agree that college is a match to be made (my third child, is a “first year” at UChicago – if you’re in Chicago, we should meet). It is all about the match and I have a great story all about it:
College night at my daughter’s high school. The college counselor was asking a panel of admissions officers a list of canned questions. One was, “What is more important to you, to see students who have taken challenging courses but got B’s or easier courses and got A’s” All but one said a variation of “Challenging courses with A’s”. Until the last one who paused, took a look around the auditorium and said, “You all look so nervous. Just don’t worry. It just works out. You will find the right match, and trust me, it will work.”
For my kids it has, I hope it works for yours too.
Thank you for your comments on my blog about diverse student profiles. That is what all my work is about: Understanding your child’s learning profile and learning how to enrich and enhance their strengths, while boosting their weaknesses. Please come visit and comment again!
Thanks for your comments, Meryl. I am in the Chicago area and would love to meet up IRL. Parents, check out Meryl’s blog “Departing the Text” http://www.departingthetext.blogspot.com/